HEAL THAT SHIT with Alissa Buethe PODCAST Episode 7 - Fear of Being Seen
It is currently July of 2024, and it had been on my to-do list to create my website, start my coaching business, launch a podcast, and create my first online course on setting healthy boundaries since before the beginning of this year.
And I had been working quietly behind the scenes for months getting all of my ideas on paper and into words and trying to create something that was incredibly meaningful to me. And how many people know about this? Very few.
As open as I have been in the last handful of years about sharing my story publicly and journey of healing on social media within my friend group, there is a huge part of me that is still terrified to be seen. I didn’t know how bad it was until recently.
Do you want to talk about my healing and trauma and lessons? I’ve learned through life I will share all day long. But ask me about my goals? Ask me about my ambitions? I will clam up faster than fast. I didn’t share a lot about what I was doing because of all of the fears that come along with that. Putting a part of myself out there that I’d rarely done in the past. What if I fail? What if people don’t like it? What if I find out I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about and someone calls me on it? What if somebody tells me that this thing that I have put all of my heart and passion into sucks? Then what? That little part of my brain that is fueled by those fears and allows them to dictate my life completely took over when it came to this.
Whenever someone asks about my life or compliments me on what they see, I find myself becoming very uncomfortable. As much as I have this deep desire to be seen, I'm also terrified of it. If you allow yourself to be completely open and vulnerable and put yourself out there for the world to see exactly who you are, and they don’t like it, what kind of horrible things could happen?
Heal That Shit with Alissa Buethe - Episode 7: Fear of Being Seen
When you experience childhood sexual trauma, you learn quickly that it is safer to be small. To be quiet. To be unnoticed. You didn’t wanna draw attention to yourself. Because if you did bad things could happen. Being quiet and agreeable kept me safe when the abuse was happening. The same way that being invisible kept me safe when it wasn’t happening. And it wasn’t this isolated event that was responsible for this mindset. That story was reinforced throughout my childhood in the family dynamics I grew up in. We were a family of 5. One of us was a little louder than the rest. One of us got a lot more attention for the things he did that drew attention than the rest of us, and not in a good way. And the kid in our house who was loud and drew attention to himself and took up space was treated very differently than those of us who were quiet and timid and agreeable.
I remember seeing that as a small child and thinking I don’t want that to be me. I remember thinking he wasn’t as loved as the rest of us and I didn’t want to not be loved. And my response to that observation as a child was to be the opposite. To be the kid who was agreeable and did what they were told. Who didn’t use their voice to talk back or advocate for themselves. Who didn’t have wants or needs. Being small, quiet, and invisible kept me safe, not just physically while playing at the neighbors house, but emotionally and relationally in my own home.
And I know I am not that seven year-old girl. And I know that I have done the work to heal from those things. But as I’m saying these words out loud, there is still very much a part of me who identifies with her. Who still believes that staying small is safe. Who believes it is better to be liked than to be authentic, and have a voice and have needs, because I grew up in a space where it meant having my basic needs met or not.
When I was finally aware of where the fear originated from and recognized that I am not this little girl and I no longer need this protector part to keep me safe, I made a huge shift in being able to let that go. But I will tell you it’s not completely gone. It’s still terrifying to do this. It is still scary as fuck to say the things I want to say and put it out to the world. Not just for the people in my circle that I feel safest and connected with, but for the whole world.
And you know what the funny part is, I’m not scared at all what strangers think. Don’t care even a little bit. My anxiety and fear over this part of the process is 100% the people in my circle. Not the handful, I know have my back. Not the ones that know me better than they know themselves. Not the ones that love and accept me, regardless of what I say or do. It’s the other people. The ones that kind of know me. The ones that haven’t done the work to truly understand who I am, but I think they know just enough to pass the judgment on the things I say or do. Those are the ones I’ve given all of this power too. And I’m taking it back.