HEAL THAT SHIT with Alissa Buethe PODCAST Episode 5 - Deep Healing
After experiencing the emotional pain that comes with the ending of a significant relationship or a divorce, we are often left with these huge fears that prevent us from opening our hearts. For the longest time, I thought my fear was of being hurt. I think a lot of us do. But sometimes the things we’re actually afraid of are much worse than that. How could anything be worse than that, right? Lots of things. Being hurt is the easy one. If we were actually afraid of being hurt, we wouldn’t chase unavailable partners. If we were actually afraid of being hurt, we wouldn’t continue to participate in relationships that harm us emotionally. That’s not scary. We’ve been through that. We know what it’s like. We know we can survive it. That’s not the real fear.
For me, it’s hurting someone that I care about. That is scary. Those of us who chose to end a relationship know what that feels like. And maybe haven’t recovered from it yet. We haven’t forgiven ourselves for doing the best we could with what we had. We haven’t forgiven ourselves for our best, not being enough. We haven't addressed the shame that comes along with that. The shame of feeling like we can’t protect those we care about. The shame of feeling like we aren’t enough. The shame that comes with questioning if that happens again (and it might) does that mean we are not lovable?
That is actually what many of us are most afraid of.
A huge part of me was afraid to open my heart up, but also there was a part of me that didn’t think it deserved to be open because of this guilt and shame that I had been carrying around. Guilt over hurting someone that I love. Shame over failing. Shame over not knowing how to fix it. Shame over giving up. Shame over not being strong when that’s what my partner needed. Shame over not being enough.
Carrying around all of that shame resulted in me punishing myself by not allowing myself to be open to happiness or love another person, or even love myself, because I didn’t think I deserved it.
It’s hard to set those beliefs down. Especially when you don’t even know you’re carrying them. When you don’t even know they exist. Because that in itself would require you to look deep inside at all of your fears and insecurities and shame and inadequacy and acknowledge it, own it, and then forgive yourself enough to give yourself permission to set it down.
Heal That Shit with Alissa Buethe - Episode 5: Deep Healing
That is what was hiding in Pandora’s box. And I would’ve continued to keep it there locked up tight never to be seen. It was easier for me to hold onto the pain, than be brave enough to open that box and look inside. The only reason I did it was because I didn’t have a choice at a certain point.
Eventually, in order to move on, we have to release the shame. We have to stop punishing ourselves. Withholding the things that we desire because there’s a piece of us that believes we don’t deserve it. It’s not about deserving anyway. We have to learn to love ourselves completely, even when we are imperfect. Even when we make mistakes. Even when we hurt others.
In this process of healing, we will look back at the situation many times and experience all of the stages of grief. Thinking and feeling and overthinking. Eventually when you’ve run that course and get to a place where all the “what ifs” have been processed, you’re left with just looking at yourself. Looking at your contribution to what happened. And not just your actions but the whys behind them. Any not just the whys in those moments but they whys from childhood and previous experiences that molded you to respond that way.
You’ll get to a place where you can see those things clearly and it will be uncomfortable. You’ll feel all the shame and anger and unworthiness rise to the surface. When that happens, don’t shut it down. Feel all of it. Feel it deeply. Let it out of your body. In tears. In rage. However it needs to express itself.
And once it is all out, look at yourself compassionately and forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for those moments. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. And forgive yourself for not loving yourself because of it.
Unconditional love for another starts with loving yourself. Until you've learned to love all the parts of you without judgment or criticism or shame, you cannot fully love another as they are. That is what unconditional love is. To look at another and say, "I see you. I really see you. All of you. And I appreciate you. I respect you. I honor your journey and experiences. And I completely accept you just as you are."
You must be able to look at your full self with that same level of awareness and acceptance. All the parts of you. Not just the ones you've deemed good enough to show the world. All of them. The acceptable, the shameful, the beautiful, the ugly, the ones that are full of grace and the ones that need forgiveness. You have to be willing to be vulnerable enough, even with just yourself, to let your guard down and open Pandora’s box to allow a healthy dose of radical honesty and then radical self acceptance.
The weight on our hearts is a lot when we continue to carry things like sadness, grief, fear and shame. It’s heavy and burdensome because those things were never meant to be taken with us. If you are still holding onto those things because you think you have to, it is OK to set them down. They aren’t yours anymore. Release the shame, it was never yours to carry. Release the fear. You don’t have to be afraid. Release yourself from the prison you created because you believe punishing yourself is what you deserve.
You are not a bad person. You are not inadequate. You are not unworthy of being loved.