HEAL THAT SHIT with Alissa Buethe PODCAST Episode 3 - Lean In
In the past few years, I have become acutely aware that the universe or God or spirit or whatever you wanna call it (Sky Daddy as one of my friends refers to it as) whatever you wanna call it, speaks to me in different ways. More often than not it is in words, but not ones that I hear. There are no voices in my head telling me things. Wouldn’t that be cool though? It’s usually in the form of a written word. A billboard, street sign, song lyrics, repeating numbers, or a simple phrase that continues to appear. Or sometimes it’s a picture or an object I can name that represents a word or a theme. And I have completely embraced the idea that when those things happen, it is my soul family or spirit guides communicating with me. Trying to tell me something that I need to hear. Drawing my attention to some awareness I need to have. Or just simply letting me know I am on the right path.
I kind of go through phases where the universe is speaking to me, constantly telling me things. Sometimes it is subtle and I really have to pay attention and be present to see it. And sometimes it screams messages in my face that I couldn’t ignore even if I wanted to.
Heal That Shit with Alissa Buethe - Episode 3: Lean In
These messages have been pretty quiet for a while, but just recently started speaking to me again frequently. Most recently, one of those experiences was with the phrase “Lean In.” I first heard it from a friend who was describing a relationship with somebody and how they would “Lean In” to that connection, only to have that person pull away. That specific phrase caught my attention only because my experience has been that men are not always the most articulate when it comes to talking about their feelings. And the fact that those 2 words perfectly illustrated when he was trying to convey. I had a complete visual that went along with that description. For whatever reason those 2 words stood out to me.
Lean In means to embrace, fully engage with, or actively pursue something in spite of difficulty or risk.
Hmmmm. I pondered those words for a while trying to decipher not necessarily what they meant, but what they meant for me. Clearly I was supposed to choose a path that involved risk. And for me risk means the one that scares me most. But what part of my life was I supposed to apply this to? Then I realized the answer was…Everywhere.
I thought about my career. I decided a while ago that one of the values I wanted to live was that of a life of freedom. I didn’t want to work 40 hours a week, doing something I wasn’t passionate about, just to have some sense of financial security. I wanted to work less hours, but doing something that didn’t even feel like work. I wanted the flexibility to be more available to my kids. I wanted the flexibility to create the space for rest, for creativity, and the space for connection and relationships. I wanted to ease into my day and create a life where I didn’t have anywhere specific to be at 8 AM Monday morning.
I thought about my relationships and a decision I needed to make; one that was risky. I know what scares me. It’s not rejection or something not working out. I am terrified of losing myself in a relationship with another person. I am terrified of being in a relationship where someone needs more than I can give. That being with someone who wants more than I can offer makes me feel like I am not enough. I am terrified of waking up one day and realizing this isn’t what I want, and hurting someone else again. There is a ton of risk involved with that.
But I’m fully aware that I need those kinds of experiences sometimes. The ones that poke wounds that I’ve forgotten need healing. The ones that allow me to continue to grieve things that I don’t even want anymore. I have to remind myself that healing is not linear. And even when you think you get yourself to a place where you are done, and you are fine, you may find yourself feeling all the feelings all over again. Less intense than they were the last time, or the time before that, but there just the same. And that’s when I knew which one the universe was pushing me to lean in to.
And the universe did not disappoint. This connection triggered the shit out of me. It gave me opportunities to practice setting boundaries. It made me question how I actually want to feel in a relationship. It allowed me to practice setting the pace for a relationship that I am comfortable with.
This connection is teaching me. And that is exactly what I asked for. I have asked for the lessons in order to heal. I have asked for the experiences I need to practice the skills I’ve learned from those lessons. Because I don’t want to continue to walk around with the same baggage forever.
And I have asked the universe for those lessons to be tested continually to ensure I haven’t reverted back to old patterns and habits. This is the new way I started looking at the world. And for me it has actually brought in an incredible amount of peace. I don’t walk around with this attachment to people, places, things, or experiences that cause me to grip tight to them out of fear of loss. I allow the things I need to flow into my life with open arms, and when they no longer serve a purpose, I allow them peacefully to flow out.
That is the mindset I have going into every single connection I make these days. Every single experience. I constantly remind myself, “I asked for this”, even if it feels bad or uncomfortable. I have learned that the universe will bring you exactly what you requested, so it is up to you to be mindful of what you ask for, and pay attention to the ways it shows up. If you have a moment where you say God, I just wanna feel free, don't be surprised when universe removes all the shit that holds you down regardless of your attachment to it. If you say, God, I just wanna be healed, don't be surprised when the universe brings in people and experiences that prompt your healing, as painful as they may be. If you say, God I just wish I knew the truth and then the universe opens your eyes to truths you didn’t want to see, don't be surprised. When you say God I just want to have a bigger life, don’t be surprised when the universe comes in and forcefully shoves you out of your comfort zone while you’re kicking and screaming.
Here is my challenge to you. Start looking at your relationships and the experiences currently in your life and ask yourself, what is this here to teach me? What lessons have I already learned that this experience or connection is here to provide the practice I need to truly master those skills? When you can look at the world with this level of awareness and discernment, you stop taking things so personally when there is conflict, and start appreciating the unacknowledged blessings of these experiences. And when you find that something is no longer for you because the purpose of that experience has been accomplished, it is much easier to walk away with a heart full of gratitude for the blessings it provided rather than sorrow or pain.
I hope this insight helps you navigate your own perception of your experiences in life and I hope that shift in your awareness helps you to heal that shit.